Mental Health and Your Family

I remember a day when I was in about fifth grade that I went home with a sense of dread. For some reason, my father happened to be home from work early. He noticed my somber mood, that I was not my usual self, and that something must have been wrong. He did the right thing: not only did he notice the change in me, but he talked to me about it.

The reason I was in such a down mood was that I had called a classmate a foul name, and he had promised to come to my house to fight. Dad explained to me the meaning of the foul name (of which I had no clue before he told me!) and why I shouldn’t call anyone that. When Mike showed up, he let me go out, but after a few seconds of us wrestling on the ground, Dad came out and broke it up. 

There are a couple of keys here. First, he noticed something was wrong, and we talked about it. He didn’t just scold me, and he didn’t just fix it. He helped me know what I needed to know. Though it wasn’t an issue for my mental health as a child, it demonstrates some important principles for dealing with mental health issues in our families today. One in every six kids today is struggling with a mental health problem. When our children, or other family members, persistently demonstrate sadness, withdrawal from friends and family, changes in school work, or any number of things, we need to take notice, and take some steps. 

I’m not an expert on mental health. What I have done is to rely on a number of people and a number of resources to identify problems and responses. What I can do here is to provide some scriptural truths that can help you when a family member, especially a child, is struggling with mental health.

¹ Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ² “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—³ “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” ⁴ Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:1–4 (NIV)

I. Parents have God-given authority.

The Bible tells us that children should obey their parents. That’s because, as children are being raised, parents represent the authority of God. This is not just about making children obey for the sake of obeying. We want to shape our children to live in a Kingdom of God culture. Authority means taking responsibility for our kids’ well-being.

“As parents, it’s easy to get caught up in wanting to hide imperfections or just downplay mental health issues since they’re “just kids” or “it’s just a weird phase.” But if we can really see the human that God created, and be humble enough to admit that we all need to learn more about EACH child that God created so uniquely, we will be on a good path. I think a lot of parents are holding their breath and waiting for “these years” to be over and missing the fact that if we don’t get that “kingdom stamp” on them, then the world will. And our kids will find “help” and “support” in many other destructive ways.” – Missy Knechel, Pastor of Family Ministries

I would encourage you to get yourself equipped, beyond reading this post, to deal with emotional or mental health in your family. Check out our resource page online. Remember, biblical authority is always for the benefit of those being served. 

We exercise our authority for the benefit of our families, our children. That’s why Paul tells us that believing parents “sanctify” children. 

¹⁴ For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 1 Corinthians 7:14 (NIV)

This doesn’t mean they don’t need to come to Christ or that you have 100% control of their will. It means that God has set them apart for his purposes based on your relationship with him.

II. You have the power to speak life.

The Bible, especially in the book of Genesis, shows the supernatural power of a parent’s blessing. 

²¹ The tongue has the power of life and death…. Proverbs 18:21a (NIV)

God authorizes you to speak blessing in your family. We dedicate children at Victory Church. Our long tradition of infant baptism reflects an Old Covenant concept that parents make a covenant with God on the children’s behalf. 

“If I am raising my children in the word and love of God, then as we travel down the road of mental health, hopefully we are together as a team looking to the Bible and the wisdom of God to get through it. Biblical words of affirmation, tender parental love and affirmation, and wisdom of God are all part of our daily habit of raising our children.” Pastor Jakob Kerlin 

Words really matter and can change how kids perceive reality. You’ve got to know that your children have probably heard negative words that they have internalized, and speak blessing and encouragement to help counteract those effects.

In sixth grade a friend said to me, “Crenny, do you have a girlfriend?” “No,” I responded. “Do you know why? ‘Cause you’re ugly.” So, even though I was really incredibly handsome, I internalized those words and always thought of myself as ugly. I don’t know if a mom telling you you’re handsome counts a whole lot–my mom really did do that–but parents need to speak affirming words to counter the negativity your kids have internalized.

Speak value in spite of imperfections. If you’re a perfectionist, you’re going to have to stretch to do this! What are their unique attributes? Tell them! They need to know who they are, and whose they are. Say, “I’m proud of you.” Tell them they’re thoughtful, kind, smart, whatever fits. Let them know you believe what God says about them. 

III. Nothing can separate you (or your kids) from God’s love. 

³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?Romans 8:35 (NIV)

³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38–39 (NIV)

Knowing this allows us to embody this for our children. You, as a parent, not only represent God’s authority; you represent God’s love to your children. We need to discipline in appropriate ways–I know that. But we should be clear that there is nothing our children can do to separate us from our love.

As God loved us when we were lost, so we love our children. We certainly had some tensions in my family–during my teen years especially–but my parents’ love for us was never once in doubt. My dad told me that his father never, or hardly ever, said, “I love you.” (My grandfather’s father had died when he was a young boy, so he missed out on that, too.) So my dad determined that he would always let me know he loved me, and he stuck with it. Letting your kids know that is so foundational to good mental health in our families. 

IV. You are valuable to God.

We must confirm that our family members are valuable to God and to us. We can show them we value them by listening well!

¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19 (NIV)

This verse is for the church, but it works in the family! Listening shows value. We need to practice Active Listening. We reflect back to our family members their own thoughts, with phrases like: “I hear you saying….” or “You might feel ….” This creates a culture of sharing, and normalizes talking about our emotions. If we were raised in a family where we didn’t really share feelings, this can feel weird. But parents must initiate this, modeling it for their children. Remember: Don’t jump into “fix-it mode.” This is hard for me and for a lot of men! We want to fix it. However, focusing on “fixing it” makes our kids feel dismissed and unheard. When they are unheard, they feel unvalued.

²¹ Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. Colossians 3:21 (NIV)

I think we are on track to embitter our children when we are harsh disciplinarians, when we are emotionally unavailable to them, and when we don’t really listen to then. 

“I feel like making time to talk and actively listen to your kids, giving them full attention, reading body language, gauging their emotions, and being responsive but open to what they have to say impacts your relationship with your kids, especially older kids. Just like God listens to us, we need to listen to our kids to be able to best help them when they may be dealing with a mental health issue and not fully understand or recognize it.” – Kyleigh Petrella, Victory Kids Ministry Director

Great quote. Convey value by listening.

V. You belong.

Tell your children that they belong to your family, and they belong to the family of God. 

¹⁹ So now you … are no longer strangers and foreigners. You are citizens along with all of God’s holy people. You are members of God’s family. Ephesians 2:19 (NLT)

Paul makes a point in 1 Corinthians of belonging. Every member of the family counts. Every member of the family belongs. 

“You belong to your family.” It may be helpful to back up these words by encouraging connection with each other as family. Take some Sabbath time together, spend meal times together. Studies still show that the more you have dinner together as a family every week, the healthier the children in the family. I would encourage you to prioritize this time together. Make it a time when no one is on their phone. Don’t make it a time of correction and focusing on the negative. Make it a time to listen to one another, to talk, to share what’s on your child’s mind. Keep it from becoming too awkward. Try just to enjoy being together around a meal. 

With all the benefits of a family meal, is it any wonder that God chose the breaking of bread together, the family meal we know as the Lord’s Supper, to illustrate that we belong together in His family? 

“You belong to the family of God.” Encourage connection with people in the family of God. Stay connected to the family of God yourself! Belonging is more than a concept, belonging that makes a difference in your child’s life has to go beyond just a feeling.

God wants to offer you and your children sound minds. Are you ready to accept his offer?

Listen to this message and others here!